Childrens Thoughts on the Bible (amusing)

Kids Bible Quotes

1. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

2. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

3. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to in pears.

4. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day but a ball of fire by night.

5. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. The Egyptians were drowned in the dessert.

8. Afterwards Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. 

The 7th commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

10. Moses died before he reached Canada.

11. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

12. David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

13. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus she sang the Magna Carta. When the 3 wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. 

14. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

15. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule which says to 'do unto others before they do one to you'. He also explained 'a man doth not live by sweat alone.'

16. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

17. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

18 The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

19. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only 1 spouse. This is called monotony.

20. One of the oppossums was St.Matthew who was also a Taximan. 

Some of the things my mother taught me:

She taught me religion: "You better pray that I can get that stain out of the carpet." 

She taught me the science of osmosis: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 

She taught me about hypocrisy: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate." 

She taught me about the weather: "It looks like a tornado just went through your room." 

She taught me to plan ahead: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 

She taught me logic: "Because I said so, that's why." 

She taught me about behaviour modification: "Stop acting like your father." 

KIDS IN CHURCH 

*After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." 

*I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail. 

*Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. 

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." 

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. 

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, 

"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." 

*A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" 

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. 

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. 

The daughter bowed her head and said, 

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"